No relationship, no matter how strong, is entirely free of conflict. What sets healthy relationships apart from unhealthy ones is not the presence of conflict but how couples approach it. The strongest couples don’t fear disagreements; they see them as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles to avoid.
Disagreements don’t have to escalate into heated arguments. Instead, they can be viewed as natural differences in opinions, emotions, or expectations—things that, when handled correctly, can even strengthen a relationship. However, for many people, conflict feels intimidating, especially if they lack the tools to manage it effectively.
Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, in his book The Marriage Clinic, outlines four key techniques to ensure that conflicts are constructive rather than damaging. Practicing these consistently can help transform relationship disputes into opportunities for deeper understanding.
1. Use a ‘Softened Start-Up’
One of the biggest mistakes couples make is approaching conflicts with blame, criticism, or frustration. While it’s natural to feel emotional, the way a conversation begins often determines how it ends.
If you start with hostility, your partner will likely become defensive, turning what could have been a constructive discussion into an unproductive argument. Gottman emphasizes the importance of what he calls a “softened start-up”—approaching conflict with calmness, clarity, and care.
For example, if you feel unheard in your relationship, you have two ways to bring it up:
- Harsh approach: “You never listen to me. You don’t care about what I have to say.”
- Softened start-up: “I feel like I’m not always heard when we talk. I want to make sure we’re on the same page. Can we figure out a way to do that?”
The softened approach encourages conversation rather than combat. Instead of making accusations, you’re expressing a need, giving your partner a chance to respond with understanding rather than defensiveness.
Healthy couples don’t avoid difficult conversations—they take responsibility for how they initiate them. Starting discussions gently sets the stage for a productive exchange rather than an escalating argument.
2. Accept That Some Problems Are Unsolvable
Many people believe that a strong relationship means resolving every conflict. In reality, most relationship disagreements don’t have clear-cut solutions. Gottman’s research found that 69% of conflicts in relationships are perpetual, meaning they stem from fundamental differences in personality, values, or lifestyle.
For example, one partner may thrive on social interaction, while the other prefers solitude. This isn’t something that can be “fixed”—neither person is going to change their fundamental nature. However, successful couples learn to manage these differences rather than letting them cause division.
Instead of trying to eliminate unsolvable problems, couples who last focus on respecting each other’s needs and finding compromises. In the case of differing social needs, a couple might agree to set aside certain nights for socializing and others for quiet time together.
Unsolvable problems don’t have to be dealbreakers. What matters is how couples handle them. Instead of seeing disagreements as signs of incompatibility, the healthiest couples recognize them as natural and navigate them with patience and mutual respect.
3. Always Make Repair Attempts
It’s not conflict itself that ruins relationships—it’s the lingering resentment that can follow if conflicts go unresolved. Successful couples don’t just argue; they also repair the relationship afterward.
A repair attempt is any gesture—verbal or nonverbal—that helps defuse tension and reinforce the bond between partners. This could be an apology, a reassuring touch, humor, or even a simple, “I don’t want to fight. Can we start over?”
For instance, if an argument is escalating, one partner could reach out, hold the other’s hand, and say, “I love you. I don’t want to fight like this.” While this doesn’t erase the disagreement, it shifts the focus toward working together rather than against each other.
However, repair attempts only work if both partners are willing to accept them. If one person offers an olive branch but the other refuses to take it, resentment can linger. The key is to recognize these gestures as a way to reconnect and move forward.
4. Forgive and Focus on Gratitude
Forgiveness doesn’t mean ignoring problems or pretending they didn’t happen. Instead, it means choosing not to let past hurts define the relationship. Holding onto resentment can create distance, while letting go allows couples to move forward.
Forgiveness takes time, but research shows that practicing gratitude can make it easier. When couples actively focus on the positive aspects of their relationship, they shift their perspective away from mistakes and toward appreciation.
For example, if a partner forgets an anniversary or an important promise, it’s understandable to feel hurt. However, rather than fixating on the mistake, one might also recall the many ways their partner has shown love and support in other moments. This doesn’t mean dismissing hurt feelings—it just means putting them in a broader, more forgiving context.
By choosing to see a partner as a whole person rather than defining them by one mistake, couples create a path forward with love and hope.
Final Thoughts
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. By starting conversations gently, accepting unsolvable differences, making repair attempts, and practicing forgiveness and gratitude, couples can turn disagreements into opportunities for deeper understanding.
The strongest relationships aren’t free of conflict—they are simply built on the skills to navigate it in a way that strengthens the bond rather than weakens it.