If given a choice for the most pleasant train ride, would you prefer solitude or a conversation with an unfamiliar fellow passenger? Most of us instinctively opt for solitude, fearing the unpredictability of interacting with strangers. As Dr. Robert Waldinger, a psychiatry professor at Harvard Medical School and co-author of The Good Life, explains to Fortune, “We assume the worst.” Waldinger’s book highlights this widespread tendency to expect negative outcomes from new social interactions, largely due to the fear of rejection.
Surprisingly, a study from the University of Chicago revealed that commuters who chose to engage with strangers rated their experience more positively than expected. Waldinger and his co-author, Marc Schulz, noted in their book, “We seem particularly bad at forecasting the benefits of relationships. A big part of this is the obvious fact that relationships can be messy and unpredictable. This messiness is some of what prompts many of us to prefer being alone.”
The Science Behind Happiness
The Good Life draws on the world’s longest-running study of happiness, which began in 1938. Tracking the lives of 724 Harvard students and low-income boys from Boston, the study has since expanded to include over 2,000 participants, encompassing spouses and descendants of the original group. For decades, researchers have collected health records, conducted DNA tests, and issued biennial questionnaires about participants’ well-being. Roughly every 15 years, they conducted in-person interviews to delve deeper into their lives.
The central finding of this extensive study was not a surprise: happiness wasn’t primarily tied to good health or financial success but to the strength of personal relationships. The researchers emphasized that relationships are “intrinsic to everything we do and everything we are.”
Overcoming Life’s Challenges
Relationships served as a cornerstone of hope for participants as they navigated life’s hardships—be it illnesses, wartime trauma, or personal losses. Many shared stories of individuals who supported them during difficult times, such as a friend lending money in a financial crisis or a fellow soldier providing emotional strength during war.
Regrets often centered on missed opportunities to nurture these bonds. Participants lamented prioritizing trivial pursuits like career achievements or material wealth over family and friendships. Waldinger observes, “It’s not that accomplishment isn’t important and satisfying. It is. But when we sacrifice our [relationships], that’s when we end up regretting it, and living a life that isn’t as good as we might have.”
Strengthening Connections at Any Age
The good news is that it’s never too late to improve relationships, whether by cultivating new ones or rekindling old ties. Waldinger emphasizes the concept of “social fitness,” urging people to assess their connections and intentionally prioritize them.
“Which ones energize you? Who do you appreciate, and how can you incorporate them into your life in new ways?” he asks. Relationships evolve as we age, requiring intentionality to maintain them. Waldinger encourages us to decide, “This person I want to keep in my life,” and act on that commitment.
One practical approach to boosting “social fitness” is to schedule time for relationships, much like planning a workout or business meeting. Waldinger and Schulz practice this themselves, connecting every Friday at noon. “We talk about our work and writing this book, but we also talk about our kids and personal lives. That phone call is automatic, and we have to cancel it only if necessary,” Waldinger shares.
Building New Bonds
For those seeking to forge new relationships, Waldinger recommends creating opportunities to connect. This might involve joining local clubs, participating in community activities, or simply reaching out to acquaintances. Even small acts, like introducing yourself to a barista or complimenting a stranger, can spark moments of joy and connection.
Technology also offers unique avenues to foster relationships. Waldinger shares an example of his mother, who formed a deep friendship through an online support group for chronic pain. The pair now regularly call each other and visit each other’s homes. However, Waldinger cautions against relying too heavily on social media, which can distort perceptions of happiness by promoting idealized versions of life.
He advises using technology intentionally, asking, “How can I be an active consumer rather than a passive one?” Regularly reflecting on how online interactions make us feel—energized or drained—can help identify media that enriches relationships rather than diminishes them.
The Gift of Attention
As one of Waldinger’s Zen teachers once said, “Attention is the most basic form of love.” In today’s fast-paced world, offering undivided attention has become increasingly rare yet remains profoundly meaningful. Waldinger encourages active listening, suggesting we eliminate the pressure to perfectly understand or solve someone’s problems. Simply being present and attentive shows others that we care.
Embracing Vulnerability
Strong relationships require vulnerability. This means being open to giving and receiving help, even if it feels uncomfortable. Waldinger and Schulz highlight that as people age, they often worry about appearing needy or burdening others. Yet, they write, “One of the harder things for some people to learn is how to give help, and—even harder for others as they grow older—how to receive help.”
Acknowledging the complexities of relationships, Waldinger admits, “Relationships don’t keep us happy all day, every day because nobody’s happy all day, every day. What they do is they build a bedrock of well-being. They build a safety net. They build a sense that I got people in my life when I need them.”
Final Thoughts
Whether it’s sharing a conversation with a stranger or maintaining cherished connections, relationships undeniably play a central role in happiness. By prioritizing “social fitness,” giving others our attention, and embracing vulnerability, we can foster a fulfilling and connected life—at any age. As Waldinger and Schulz’s study reminds us, the messiness of relationships is far outweighed by their enduring rewards.