John and Julie Gottman on Strengthening Relationships Through Conflict and Understanding

John and Julie Gottman, renowned for their groundbreaking work in couple’s psychology, have spent decades studying how conflict shapes relationships. Their research offers invaluable insights into how couples can not only survive disagreements but use them to strengthen their bond. Through their work, they’ve created strategies and laws for relationships that are built on the foundation of understanding, empathy, and communication.

John and Julie Gottman have been married for over 35 years, and their partnership has proven instrumental in their research into why some couples thrive, while others fall apart. Their journey began in 1986 when John, alongside a colleague, established a laboratory at the University of Washington to study couples. Soon after, Julie joined the team, and together they named their project the “Love Lab.” The Gottmans wanted to answer a fundamental question: Could they predict the future of relationships?

“We wanted to see whether we could predict the future of relationships,” John Gottman says, explaining the origin of their research.

Their methodology was unique. Couples were invited into the lab, where they would sit across from each other and discuss unresolved issues. These conversations were not only recorded but also monitored for physiological reactions, such as heart rate, blood velocity, and skin conductance. Through these readings, they could assess how stress and emotional reactions were influencing the conversation.

“Couples would come into the lab, sit down, typically facing one another, and we would ask them to think about a problem that they hadn’t solved yet that they wanted to talk about,” Julie Gottman recalls. The couple’s body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions were all analyzed to gain a deeper understanding of how conflict affected their relationship dynamics.

John Gottman elaborates on the physiological monitoring: “We measured things like skin conductance, sweating from the palms of the hands, respiration, and a variety of other signals, and they were synchronized to the video time code.” By meticulously analyzing these metrics, the Gottmans discovered patterns in how couples reacted to stress and disagreement.

The Gottmans’ research demonstrated that when individuals became upset during a conversation, their physiological responses—such as an elevated heart rate (typically over 100 beats per minute) and shallow breathing—indicated a state of emotional flooding. In these instances, they found that the ability to listen and engage in productive problem-solving decreased dramatically.

“What we discovered from the physiological research is that people who stonewalled tended to be what we call flooded, which actually means in fight or flight,” Julie Gottman explains. This emotional flooding, John Gottman adds, triggers the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, impairing one’s ability to process information. “When you’re flooded, you really feel like you’re in danger of dying. You feel so threatened by your partner that you start to really secrete these stress hormones,” he says. The result is often a breakdown in communication, with partners repeating themselves and becoming increasingly frustrated.

The Gottmans discovered that the key to navigating conflict was not avoiding it, but managing it effectively. Their research led to the identification of what they call the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—four behaviors that, if present during an argument, significantly increase the likelihood of relationship dissolution. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Julie Gottman explains the first horseman: “The first one was criticism—blaming a problem on a personality flaw of your partner. For example, ‘Oh, my God, this place is such a mess. Why are you such a slob?’” The second horseman, contempt, is even more damaging, as it involves superiority, sarcasm, and scorn. “Contempt is like criticism, but it has a dash of superiority,” John Gottman adds. Defensiveness, the third horseman, is when one partner adopts a victim mentality, refusing to take responsibility or listen to the other person’s perspective. “That’s the most common one,” Julie Gottman says. Finally, stonewalling occurs when one partner shuts down completely, refusing to engage with the other.

To combat these destructive behaviors, the Gottmans emphasize the importance of taking breaks during heated conversations. “As soon as you recognize there’s flooding in the room, you say, ‘I think we need to take a break,’” Julie Gottman advises. This allows both partners time to calm down and return to the conversation with a clearer mind. “On the break, you distract yourself by reading, by listening to music, maybe watching TV. So your body has a chance to calm down,” she suggests. When both partners reconvene, they often approach the issue with a renewed sense of understanding.

The Gottmans’ latest book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection, outlines strategies for managing conflict in a way that builds rather than undermines the relationship. One of the exercises they discuss is the “dream-within-conflict” technique, which helps couples understand the underlying dreams and values driving their disagreements.

Julie Gottman gives an example from their work with couples: “We had a woman who was adamantly opposed to getting a dog, but her partner was all for it. They decided to try the dreams-within-conflict conversation.” This exercise helps partners move beyond their positions and explore the deeper emotional needs behind them. When one partner explained that not having a dog meant they could travel freely, the other partner revealed that they saw having a dog as a practice run for raising a family. This deeper understanding allowed them to find common ground.

“Beneath the surface, it was about leading a life of adventure and travel versus staying home and raising a family,” John Gottman notes.

However, not all conflicts can be resolved through understanding. The Gottmans acknowledge that some issues may be deal-breakers, where no amount of compromise or understanding can bridge the gap. John Gottman points out that certain life dreams, such as whether or not to have children or where to live, can be incompatible, leading to a breakup.

“Sometimes one person’s dream is the other person’s nightmare, and they cannot reach a compromise, but at least they know why they’re breaking up,” he explains.

Julie Gottman adds, “Another one that I’ve seen is geography. I treated a couple where one partner lived in Uganda and the other in Switzerland. They loved each other but couldn’t make their future come true.”

Despite these challenges, the Gottmans believe that fighting right can lead to a stronger, longer-lasting relationship. John Gottman concludes, “The payoff is that we can have a lifelong love. Research has shown that when you can do that, you actually live an average of 15 to 17 years longer. You’re healthier, and your kids turn out better.”

Julie Gottman reflects on the deeper nature of love that can emerge when couples work through their conflicts. “What I’ve seen in doing couples therapy for 30 years now is a different kind of love. It’s much more profound,” she says. “Once you’ve seen one person in their fullness, including the cracks, you tend to be more forgiving, I think, of other people.”

The Gottmans’ research and methods offer a path for couples not just to survive conflict but to use it as a foundation for growth, understanding, and connection.