Set in Fairbanks, Alaska, The United States of America
The weather is cold it’s like Mother is in the middle of the snow and that’s exactly where she is she’s in the middle of the fields and snow has covered it all over it covers her feet all over and yet she’s plodding through it trying to get home she misses her cabin it sits right outside of the suburbs of Fairbanks she thought she was there already she thought she was home she wants to go home yes she is home she’s not outside anywhere she thought she was in the snow but right in front of her is that bed that’s Babette that’s her mother-in-law Mother is trying to say hi to her but her mouth is not moving feet are not moving either it’s exactly like when she thought she was stuck in the snow she’s not able to move she needs to move Babette is choking Babette is dying she’s right there in her bed in the room on the first floor where’s the exit where’s the door there’s no door there’s no walls there’s only bed and the green fields and pine trees of Alaska how tame it looks in the summer there’s Babette she’s not on her bed she’s on top of the grass and Babette is choking and Mother is doing her best to make her stop she is pulling her up but Babette refuses to be pulled she’s stuck there like a stone Mother shouts Babette Babette she’s zooming in to her face saliva’s coming out of Babette’s mouth it’s dribbling all over her cheek and throat Babette’s saying something but Mother can’t understand Babette’s making that loud choking sound she made when she almost died that one time because Mother gave her a big meat chunk in her soup akh akh akh the sound rings in Mother’s ear on and on
Mother’s eyelids fling apart. She shouts a loud gasp. She’s in her bed, just as she thought she was, but it’s the middle of the night. She sits up. It’s a miracle that Father has not awoken from her sounds. During the winter, Fairbanks nights get so cold, where the day is barely a few hours long and the night stretches out, and Father gets a lot of rest without any stimuli to distract him. He sleeps easily.
There’s light outside in the shape of the auroras. Cracks of green light shimmer through the sky. Because they glint through the window, Mother can see the entire room with clarity. There’s their puffed-out comforter and the hardwood floor and the metal nightstands which Mother didn’t want because they clashed with the cottage aesthetic of their room, but Father got them without asking and didn’t want to go back to Home Depot to argue for a refund. The bathroom is on the other side behind a slit of open door in case Father has to pee in the middle of the night.
Mother gets up. She takes the stairs down and cracks open the door next to the staircase. Her mother-in-law is in bed. She’s totally fine, or as fine as someone who’s basically paralysed from the neck down. Her mother-in-law’s head is held up by two pillows against her neck and one pillow under her back. She is snoring, her mouth agape. There seems to be nothing amiss; she looks like she always does. Mother’s just worrying over nothing.
Mother closes the door slowly and softly. She tries to make sure not a single plank of wood creaks as she goes back upstairs. She’s grateful that no one except her is awake, but it is the middle of the night, and she’s an older woman herself. She needs her rest. She gets back in bed and recites some lines from Psalms to fall back to sleep.
In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.
In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.
In peace I will lie down and sleep…
In peace I will lie down and…
In peace…
In…
There’s so much snow there’s so much light it’s the aurora it’s so pretty it’s green it’s purple it’s violet it’s flashing there’s John dear sweet John John is too sweet John is the best son in the world Hello John there’s no response John is busy of course he doesn’t want to talk to his own mother he’s out and about to go meet a guy probably looking for a black guy to give head he went all across Alaska doing that when he was here and now he’s in some other country giving head to who knows go away John no John don’t go away no John there’s no reason to go no No John don’t leave there’s only one John in the world
There’s no John there was never a John Hello John Hello there’s no John there’s no one there’s nothing there’s just the lights only there’s no lights either
The coughing is so loud the coughing is so intense there’s this bed and there’s Babette again Babette sweetie please don’t eat like that there’s a big bowl of soup and there’s a spoon going in her mouth but Babette shouldn’t be fed at this point there’s a giant tube coming out of her throat it’s so tall it’s like a giant coat rack and it’s coming out of her throat with a lot of pins sticking out of it Babette is coughing obviously she would be coughing who can breathe with something like that in the throat?
“I’m dying.”
Obviously she’s dying even without the giant thing in her throat choking her it feels like Babette has a few weeks max before she is going to go but she’s been stubborn she’s been stubborn this entire year everything about her looks on the verge of death and yet she doesn’t die
Babette tries to pull the coat rack out but it’s just not going anywhere she tries and tries and it keeps going it’s like those handkerchiefs clowns pull out of their throat and it’s changing colour violet red pink and blue this is useless
Mother grabs Babette by the hand.
“Don’t die, Babette, don’t die, you can’t die yet! The world needs you.”
“I’m trying my best but I’m only going to last until the end of the year. I’ll see my sons one last time for Christmas. And then I’ll go.”
“Babette, you can’t go. I’ve never seen Dean so happy before. He loves having you at home.”
“I know. He’s my son, too. He’ll miss me when I’m gone. And I’ll miss him. But he’s done his best. And I’m doing my best to stay alive for him. It’s really for him that I’ve lasted this long. We’ve gone years without seeing each other, and I know he needs me, too.”
“Then stay, Babette.”
“I have stayed, and I’ve done my best. I wish I could have seen my grandson. I wish I could have had time with him, too.”
“He’ll come back sometime next year. I’ll guilt him up so bad he’ll feel sorry he ever left.”
“No, don’t do that. I let my son leave, and every time he came back home to see me I just yelled at him. That’s why he only came when he had to. You don’t do that to your son. You’ll have a relationship with him just like Dean and I do now.”
“Dean’s done so much for you. Even he lived all these years in Fairbanks so he could make enough money to send back to you.”
“I know. I know that really. That’s the one thing I wish I could have told him. I accept him for all he’s done, and I’m proud of him. Oh, I was such an idiot for never telling him. Now I have this giant coat rack in my throat. I’m not able to say a fucking thing.”
“It’s okay, Babette. I’m here. I’ll tell him. I’ll rush over and tell him right now.”
“You’d do that for me? Oh, you’re the sweetest thing. Pauline, I’m sorry we never got along. That was another thing I fucked up. Oh, I fucked up so many things. And now what’s the good of it?”
Babette lets out a wail like the sound babies make when they cry and they’re so helpless and they can’t do a single thing Mother holds Babette and cradles her she feels like she’s going to cry but there’s no tear coming out there’s no tear that can come out she can only say one thing
“Don’t worry, Babette. You have time. You have many more years to live. There are people who have strokes or heart attacks and they suddenly get better. Who says that can’t be you?”
That’s exactly it Babette doesn’t have to be an old woman stuck in a wheelchair she can be like those senior citizens who do jumping jacks in videos or take jogs around the park with her grandchildren she could be like those people for sure it’s just a matter of time now with her son’s loving care she’s gotten so much more active and cognisant Mother is sure that if it keeps up she’ll be walking and talking soon
“We’ll make you better. We love you, Babette. We’ll do anything for you.”
Mother tries to hold Babette’s face in her hands she’s rubbing her cheeks massaging them she can feel her face she can feel the wrinkled skin it’s taut and tender she loves holding Babette she doesn’t want to stop holding Babette she feels so much calm and peace holding Babette she’s hugging her so hard like a blanket like a wool snuggling blanket so soft so warm so comforting so much love
Mother wakes up. She wheezes. She’s in bed, in her pyjamas. Her husband is by her side. She turns over towards him, and despite the darkness she can make out his old, wrinkled face. She smiles.
She had something she was supposed to tell him, but in staring so fully at his face, she has forgotten what it was.